That's right kiddies! It's time for...

Life is like a Forrest of Chocolate -- You can eat all the trees...mmm

I'm going to take you back now. Back to a time known as the "mid-90's". There was a movie, starring a well-known actor named Tom Hanks, called Forrest Gump, about a guy that has mental difficulties, but still manages to experience many of the historic events from the late 50's to the mid-90's. One of the lines from the movie has become quite popular in American culture. It goes a little like this, "Life is a like a box of chocolates - You never know what you're gonna get." Now I think the writers should have had Forrest say something a little different there. Here are 3 ideas:

#1 - "Life is like a box of JujuBees - You never know what you're gonna get" My reasoning behind this is that Jujubees always look so tasty. Mmm...so many different tasty fruity flavors, right? Wrong.

Red = fruity yum.

Yellow = fruity yum.

Green = … spearmint?!

Why in Jesus' name did they make Green spearmint?!? It's so deceiving, even after you’ve become familiar with the fact that Green = Gross. Green should equal fruity yum apple, or watermelon. So when you throw a handful in your mouth, it always turns out to be a nasty concoction. This is why you never know what you're gonna get.

#2 - "Life is like that machine in the bowling alley that lets you think you can win a stuffed animal with that steel crane at the push of a button – You never know what you're going to get." Now I have found one fault with this phrase: It's impossible to win those damn things, so you know exactly what you're going to get -- nothing.

#3 - "Life is like a box of chocolates - you wanna go get it on in that Motel 6 across the street?"

The Question of the Century

So today, while I was baking bread at the local sandwich shop where I work, I started thinking about the age-old question, "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Now mind you, I wasn't necessarily looking for an answer, but rather, examining the question itself. In doing so, I came up with two observations regarding the issue at hand:

#1 - Wouldn't it be funny if this question were being asked to a man named Charlie? It would then be "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, Chuck?"

#2 - What the hell is a woodchuck?

Breaking Him Down to Size

His name was Ralph, mister - and he'd have nothing of anyone calling him anything different. He was one tough cookie. He could bench 550 pounds with his left arm alone. He wrestled grizzly bears for sport. He pissed on electric fences with no caution at all. The rumor around town was that one time Jezabel (the former town tough cookie) came up behind Ralph and tried to punch him, and Ralph just ripped his balls off, and ate them right in front of Jezabel's face. So much for Jezabel being such a tough piece of meat...puss.

I Don't Care Who the Hell You Are, You Can't Be Funny All the Time

I just finished writing the third installment of the humor that is known as "Tim's Fireside Chat's." It was going alright. It was about fair food. The punchline at the end was, "What the hell is cotton candy anyway?!?" I read it to myself, and realized it wasn't funny. I'm sure you've had a similar experience. Have you ever read something and thought, "Jesus - whoever wrote
this really thought it was funny?" In case you've never been able to fully experience this feeling, I'll give you a chance right now. Read the following line:
"What the hell is cotton candy anyway?!?"

He Never Even Went to the Bathroom?

So there's this guy named Alfie, right? That's just his name -- deal. One time when he was sword fighting with this one guy, he got his entire right arm cut off. So one day, six years and two months after this unfortunate incident, Alfie woke up in the morning, and looked down. He had both of his arms! It was at this point that Alfie realized it was all a dream, and he had been asleep for six years and two months.Man, was his face scruffy or what?

No Time for Ice Cream Sandwiches and Bon Bons

It was a cold day. I stared at the thermometer. It read a chilling 28 degrees Fahrenheit. Some might say it was freezing. I hated the cold. It was cold. I was pissed. But then I glanced outside, and noticed that the sun was shining, and there were half-naked children running around an inflatable swimming pool, splashing water. At this point, I realized that my freezer door was wide open, and I had my head inside it.

Check in soon for the next installment!

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Timbuck2@aol.com

Coming Soon, humor from: Jonah Cosley - Chris Stefanile - James DuRuz - Dane Christiansen