Warning: If you have never seen the cartoon “Thundercats” this will probably be anything but funny.

I, like many men of my generation, had my first experience with the effects of impotence and premature ejaculation at a very young age. In fact I’d say this might have begun as early as 1988.

 No. I was not having sex when I was seven years old.

 But, I was watching cartoons.

One particular cartoon that sticks out in my memory, (and directly relates to the subject at hand), is the infamous “Thudercats” series. If you think back to the show’s introduction you’ll assuredly remember that it was more exciting, exhilarating and captivating then anything else on television - Never before had a cartoon begun with such power. The animation was fast and furious as the Thundercats went whipping about the screen.

Lion-O, Panthro, Cheetara, Tygra – They were like Care-Bears hyped up on a bizarre mixture of steroids and crack. Muscles bulged, swords swung, Cheetara was even attractive in a bizarre cat like sense. The music was intense, almost throbbing, and lyrics of epic proportions were sung with vigor:

“Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose,

Feel the magic hear the roar, Thunder cats are loose,

Thunder thunder thunder thunder cats…”

It was one minute and sixteen seconds of animated masterpiece. It inspired, thrilled, energized and motivated me to indescribable heights of anticipation. I was ready for thirty minutes of action, adventure and bliss. I was ready to see sensational battles of good against evil. I was ready for Thundercats! Then, the episode actually began…

 …and everything went straight to hell.

Without fail, what always followed was what we in then artistic field call a “big load of crap”. The animation went from fast-paced and heart stopping art to Hanna-Barbera’s brain numbing, cheap-ass cartoon guano. The stories were useless, the music was sappy and Cheetara never got naked. (I actually have a theory that Tygra was a homosexual.)

There weren’t even decent fights for God’s sake! They had swords and nun-chucks but always ended up wrapping the villains with rope instead of just beating the hell out of them. We never saw Lion-O lob someone’s head off in the heat of combat; instead we saw stunningly stupid animation cells like this, where he looks like a drag queen:

(Fairie)

Do you see what I’m getting at? It was the most ant-climactic experience in my life. Not only that, but it happened on a regular basis! Each afternoon I’d believe, like a naïve little Wiley-Cat, that this was going to be the episode where Snarf would get run over by the Thundertank, Liono would start kicking ass and Cheetara would get naked. But no, they would continue to bring me to my highest high and my lowest low within two minutes. Those bastards.

So here we are, a decade later, and, even though the show has faded from our day-to-day lives, it is still entrenched in our spirits. I’m sorry to say that this assault on the masculinity of my generation will no doubt manifest itself in the form of impotence and premature ejaculation in our sex lives. If you never achieved cartoon orgasm how can you be expected to achieve a real one?

However, there lies an even greater problem to keep in mind: One day, when it inevitably happens, when the manhood fizzles, the mind will instantly snap back to the days of youth and the mouth will involuntarily try to call for power from the Eye of Thundera.

“Ho!” You will yell at the top of your lungs.

Whoever you’re naked with will not be happy.